The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
