so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
