Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize