I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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