Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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