my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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