he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize