Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
