ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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