That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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