she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
