So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
