I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
