Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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