just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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