it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
