So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
