when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
