Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize