I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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