I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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