Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
