Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize