ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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