i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
this hospital has no fireball
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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