I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize