I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
