Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
