Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
