i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
