My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
