Taylor Swift is so right about you.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
