who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Randomize
