New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
