Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
