The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
