Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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