He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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