my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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