Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
