This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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