I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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