i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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