My friends, they love my intelligence
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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