did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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