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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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