I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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