My first STD was from a foam party
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
