I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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