my soul wont recognize me after tonight
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
