My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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