Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
