What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
