I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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