I heard we made out
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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