i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
