Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
