Three words: puerto rican gang bang
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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