My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
