you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
