legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
