Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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