I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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