Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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