I'd wear matching sweaters with you
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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