one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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